Expenses – Who Pays?

Traditionally the bride’s family pays most wedding costs. But we are not bound by tradition. Today it is not uncommon for both the bride’s family and the groom’s family to share the cost of the wedding and reception. The bride and groom sometimes choose to plan and pay for the wedding themselves as well.

How can you break with tradition, tactfully? Often the bride’s family and groom’s family do not know each other very well and initiating conversation regarding expenses and the sharing of them can be a bit sticky.

One of the services a good wedding consultant can provide is to coordinate communication. Perhaps a meeting could be arranged between the bride and groom, his parents and her parents and the wedding consultant. In that meeting a skilled consultant can help with the delineation of financial responsibility, as she helps plan priorities.

If the choice is made not to use a wedding consultant, here is my suggestion. If you are the groom’s parents, suggest to your son the expenses you would like to assume that are not traditionally your concern. For example, paying for the reception music or helping with transportation. Be sure to be candid with the amount of money you would like to budget, and ask him to see if the bride’s family would like to accept your offer. At some point, a "getting to know you and planning time," perhaps over a Saturday lunch, could be arranged between both sets of parents.

If you are the bride’s parents, and a traditional expense isn’t a priority, and is not as important to your daughter as other items, but is still an enhancement that would be appreciated, ask your daughter to tell her groom—"My family isn’t including ________ in the budget, but if your family would like to add this to our special day, their offer would be received warmly."

If either the bride or the groom is uncomfortable initiating the conversation leading to a break with tradition, either set of parents could ask for permission to speak directly to the other parents. But always, above all, be considerate. In every conversation, preserve the comfort of the one with whom you are speaking. Be honest and candid. Enjoy planning the Celebration!

For those of you who would like to know the traditional division of the expenses here is a list, however not every reference is in agreement. Some suggest that the flowers be divided between the families of the groom and bride, however that would take planning between the families and the florist. Also, the expense of the beverages at the reception is sometimes listed as the responsibility of the family of the groom, but not every reference makes that suggestion.